I’m seeing The Dark Knight Rises at London’s Waterloo BFI IMAX Cinema.
72 minutes of TDKR’s 165 minute running time was filmed utilizing IMAX
technology which means I’ll spend half the film trying not to notice the
constantly changing aspect ratio.

I can’t wait to see this movie’s opening shot in humungous, breath-taking, spell-binding IMAX.
GAH! It opens on the face of perma-depressed looking Commissioner Gordon.
Gary Oldman’s Jim Gordon, much like Chelsea’s John Terry, has a face I find
so depressing, I wouldn’t use it to line my own bin.

A Bond-inspired skyjacking. That’s more like it. I’m still feeling the effects of
Jim Gordon’s face though.

Image_01_plane

(When I drew the above image I realised that I’d completely forgotten
what the CIA jet actually looked like, so instead I’ve drawn easyJet flight
No.EZY6035 to Madrid.)

The skyjacked plane is hoisted upwards where it gradually disintegrates.
First the wings, then the tail, are torn apart. Bane’s mercenaries rappel down
the outside of the aircraft shooting indiscriminately at everyone on board. Any survivors die when the fuselage is unceremoniously dropped thousands of feet onto the rocks below.

This is still an infinitely preferable experience to flying easyJet flight No.EZY6035 to Madrid.

When the hood was finally removed to reveal Tom Hardy’s Bane, all I could think of was this:

Image_02_Bane

But of course the most amazing thing about Bane is the voice.
If I had to pinpoint what Bane sounds like, I’d have to say*

Image_03_Bane_sound

*My notes actually say: ‘Bane sounds like Sean Connery imitating
Patrick Stewart speaking through the bumhole of a tin elephant.’
But I didn’t know how to draw that.

After the traumatic events of ‘The Dark Knight’, Christian Bale’s Bruce Wayne is
now a recluse, and judging by his appearance, possible meth-head.
He also has a pronounced limp and horrible taste in dressing gowns.

Image_04_Bale_Gown

Anne Hathaway, (Ha Ha This-a-way! Ha Ha That-a-way!) is surprisingly
excellent as Selina Kyle. She’s never once referred to as ‘Catwoman’.

I suppose the reason why she is never referred to as ‘Catwoman’ is
because Christopher Nolan grounds these movies in reality. The moment
someone calls her, ‘Catwoman’ he’d have to justify it by having her lick her
bum for ten minutes before doing a poo in a box.

Here’s a great example of the amazing reality of these movies:

Image_05_Hath

Michael Caine has just said the word, ‘chimpanzee’!

That was worth the price of admission alone! I really hope Alfred sticks to his guns and sets Bruce up with a chimpanzee. That would make Christopher Nolan the bravest director who has ever lived, and this the greatest movie ever made.

Alfred has launched into the strangest anecdote detailing a fantasy about
Bruce, ‘a cafe in Florence on the banks of the Arno’ and a ‘Fernet Branca’.
It’s all VERY specific. The screenwriter may as well have had him write it on the back of a boomerang, that’s how sure you can be it’s coming back.

Image_06_MCranger

Matthew Modine plays Deputy Commissioner Foley. His role is so utterly
pointless I’m going to show you a photo of a baby bunny instead.

Image_07_Bunny

Bane now has a lair in the sewers beneath Gotham City.

Movie sewers seem like prime real estate. Ample headroom, huge cathedral-like spaces, clean running water and mood lighting. No one ever needs rubber gloves, protective clothing or wellies.

When I think sewer, I think a wet, confined, contaminated space full of bum-dumps and bacteria.

Image_08_Bane_poo

The kid from ‘3rd Rock from the Sun’ is Detective John Blake.
Having seen no interaction between these two characters, and using no
detective skills whatsoever, he deduces that Bruce Wayne is Batman.

Image_09_Orphan

Ah, Lucius Fox, Batman’s ‘Q’. He’s showing Bruce around new flying
monstrosity The Bat, only there’s one teeny tiny issue…

Image_10_Fox_Boomerang

Bruce Wayne keeps his Batman costume in a sealed plexiglass case.
I feel a wave of unease fall over the audience and I think I know why.

Image_11_Plexiglass_Nerd

Bane has committed a daring daytime heist on the Gotham Stock Exchange.
My brain hurts from trying to figure out how and when he managed to get four
motocross bikes through the front door and where he hid them.

Shut up brain! This is no time for questions!

Holy SHIT! Batman’s EMP gun is unbelievable! Not only can it deliver an
electromagnetic pulse that’s able to disrupt electronic equipment but it
can also snuff out the sun! This pursuit started in broad daylight and
now it’s instantly midnight! Take that, Jesus!

Image_12_Batman_Jesus

OH. MY. GOD. We have just witnessed one of the single worst dialogue
exchanges in cinema history. Andie Macdowell punches the air, not that
you’d notice.

Image_13_Screenwrite_01

Now Batman and Catwoman are together on a rooftop fighting Bane’s
henchmen! Forget everything! This is the single greatest movie ever!

Then Batman has a moment of self-awareness.

Image_14_Batman_bellend

Bruce has just stepped out of The Bat without his cowl. He should look
something like this….He doesn’t.

Image_15_Panda_ears

Batman and Bane face off masked mano-a-masked mano. It’s brutal. Bane
breaks Batman’s back and all the little ducks went, quack, quack, quack.

Bane takes time out from his very busy schedule to fly Bruce halfway
around the world to settle him into ‘The Lazarus Pit’. Which is nice.

Image_16_Bane_Pit

I can suspend disbelief and accept that a man can have his broken back
fixed via a punch to the vertebrae, an old rope and some push ups.
I’ll even accept that 3000 cops could get trapped at the same time in
a sewage system for 3 months only to emerge unscathed.

But what I will NOT accept is a world where the USA would refuse to take
down a dictatorship that has the apparent capability to harbor possible
WMDs just because of a lack of bridges.

I know a Batman who would have escaped from the pit on the first attempt.

Image_17_Batman_Pit

Bruce Wayne escapes the pit. He heads toward a mysterious city in a far
away land. Gotham is under siege and time is fast running out . He has little
in the way of provisions, no passport, no money. I can’t wait to see how
the screenwriters get him back into Gotha……oh.

Image_18_Plothole

I’ve now spent most of this movie constantly asking myself how Bane
eats and drinks. To shut me up, my brain tells me that some of his tubes
double up as bendy straws.

Image_19_Bendy_Straws

Image_20_Screenwriter_02

Batman and Bane are fighting again. I can feel the whole audience
thinking ‘Punch him in the tubes!’

Bit embarrassed. The truck with the bomb on board has just crashed through
a concrete barrier 30ft onto the road below. I was the only person in the cinema to laugh at Jim Gordon getting out the back of the truck completely unscathed.
What amused me was not only the way he got out of the truck but also the fact that he was sitting next to a huge ridiculous-looking nuclear bomb.

HA HA HA! Marion Cotillard’s death scene! This has now become my favourite
scene in the entire saga. The next time someone speaks to me who I don’t wish to speak to I’m going to pretend to die EXACTLY like Marion Cotillard.

I don’t know. You wait for a billionaire playboy who’s inherited his father’s
legacy and wealth only to use those resources to lead a double life as a
superhero with no inherent superhuman powers who’ll one day invent
clean energy only to have it used against him who then has to sacrifice
himself to save the populace from a nuclear explosion by flying the device
away from the city he loves…(deep breath) then two turn up at once.

Image_21_No_Autopilot

I have a a distinct feeling of déjà vu.

Image_22_No_Autopilot_Batman

The end of Christopher Nolan movies are sometimes open to interpretation
and this one is no Inception, sorry, I meant ‘exception.’ (Freudian slip.)

Ending 1: Batman is dead and Alfred is a lonely mentalist. Batman commits suicide.

The cafe was all in Alfred’s head.

Jesus Christ! Alfred! Get some friends you lunatic!

Ending 2: Batman faked his own death and is an evil sociopath.

Bruce Wayne lied to everyone about the autopilot and ejects to safety. He
heads back to Gotham, meets Selina Kyle, SOMEHOW explains
how he survived, and why he’d rather not contact Alfred, but instead
suggests they travel all the way to Italy to wait in a specific cafe, all day every
day, in the blind hope that his butler might just turn up.

While Bruce is loitering in a European cafe, poor Alfred not only has to endure
seeing the last remaining Wayne family member buried, but also has to live
with the knowledge that they parted on such terms.

I don’t know how long Alfred would take to get over this massive emotional
trauma, but I imagine it would be quite a while before he finally musters up
the strength to get away from it all…

Image_23_Alfred_Paper

Or there’s always my preferred ending…

Image_24_Chimp

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